I can hardly believe that tomorrow is K's 5th Birthday. Next year is kindergarten (a very scary thought for me) and five years gone by seems like yesterday and yet a lifetime ago.
Although I can remember the day that I found out that I was pregnant with clarity, and the day that I gave birth to her equally well, the middle 34 weeks are a little more fuzzy. In case you've done the math on your own, or happen to know me fairly well, you know that my wedding anniversary is always a year behind K's birthday. The pregnancy was a rather dark one in my life, and yet the changes in my life because of K, because of Down Syndrome, are immeasurable.
I remember hearing other people tell me that they were glad their children had Down Syndrome, or that Down Syndrome had brought so many good things into their lives, and it always sounded like such hollow words. Now I can see it more clearly. I would never have wished a cognitive disability on K, if I could have chosen for her I would have chosen differently.
There are things that I feel sad about, things that she will likely miss out on. Things I will likely miss out on as a mom. But, the things she's brought to my life are so much greater. My entire life I can remember searching for more meaning, more understanding, I never thought Christianity made much sense, but I always wanted to believe.
I had done things I regretted deeply, hurt people that I didn't mean to hurt, let down parents that had been supportive and loving, and I was really searching for something more. Something to cling to. When K was born, I didn't just "believe" in God's Word anymore, I wanted to live by God's Word. It has changed my life. God has changed my life. She has changed my life.
I have become more open minded, I am more kind, more compassionate, this isn't saying that I have achieved some great thing, but rather it really highlights to me how unloving and selfish I was growing up. Because of K having DS, I decided not to pursue a law career, but devote my time to raising her. It's no small task with all of the doctor's appointments, therapy appointments, intervention therapies, researching new ideas, funding, etc,
If I had read this posting 5 years ago, I would have berated myself for the decision. I was so devoted to success in the eyes of others. I wanted to achieve more money, the big house, the nice car, the prestige, power. I am so so grateful that I chose a different path. I'm so grateful that I had a husband who loved me despite my many mistakes, and supported me in choosing God's way instead of the World's way.