As a mom of three little ones, I don't have much time for thinking about my own dreams, or hopes, or goals...I have even less time to pursue any of them. And that's ok, I think it comes with the territory of having young children. I want to be the type of mom who is sacrificing. I think that's the kind of parent we all strive to be for our children.
But yesterday I was encouraged by a good friend to start working on a project I have wanted to do for awhile, and I started thinking about this long time dream I have. I thought .... well, maybe God is trying to prepare me for fulfilling it, accomplishing this goal. I went to my husband, hoping to get some honest feedback (read: some encouragement that this dream wasn't ridiculous) What I got was a little less than I hoped for, it was actually quite discouraging.
To explain how it made me feel..well, I doubt I need to. I'm sure that you have had a moment where someone you love doesn't believe in your dreams. Maybe it's not your spouse, maybe it's a parent, or a child, or a good friend. I took it in stride and the hurtful comment didn't waver in my faith in myself (hahaha, this is obviously a joke if you know me!)
Actually, I pouted a little, felt sorry for myself, stewed over it all night.... but now, after 24 hours, I think I have gained a little perspective. Don't get me wrong, I am still hurt. But ultimately, why am I relying on my husband for my self esteem?
It reminded me of the lyrics of the Casting Crowns song, Voice of Truth. It dawned on me that I am not alone in this. I'm sure there are people out there that give up on their dreams every day, I'm willing to bet that there are many Christians that give up on their Calling because of someone who doubts their ability....Why does it hurt so much when someone we love discourages us? I have a theory ... The things my husband said to me sounded a lot like the voice in my head. He wasn't being malicious, or even unloving. He's just a human being, maybe a little less sensitive to my feelings than I'd like sometimes ;-)
It hurts so much because we all have the voice in our heads, saying you can't do this, you aren't good enough. The difference between someone who succeeds and fails is probably something so simple, but so hard to do, it's drowning out the doubt and learning to hone in on God's voice.
I realized that God gave me a great teaching lesson last night. He should be the one I am relying on first for encouragement, guidance, love. A wise cousin told me before I married Gibbs that it would be unfair of me to rely on him for all of my needs, all of my "love" needs especially. He could never fulfill them. He is just a man. But there is One who won't disappoint me, who won't discourage me from following a calling, someone who won't ever "have a bad day and just be human"
I'll go ahead and close this thought by quoting the Voice of Truth, which has greatly encouraged me today:
But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win
But the Voice of Truth, tells me a different story