I've held off writing this week because so many thoughts are jumbled in my head, it makes it difficult to write with any clarity! Whenever I am having a more "emotional" day (or week) thoughts are always competing in my head. Thoughts of God, the kids, buying a new house, friends.... and it's tough to get any clear feelings or answers about anything.
Due, in part, to my emotions, the kids had a tough week. It bewildered me because I had my computer off during the day, I was getting chores done, I was getting my bible study done... I was doing all of the things that usually equate to a good week! But still, I was emotional, easily frustrated, tired. And like a virus, the kids caught it. They were so whiny (where do they get that from?! Certainly not me... ha ha) and exhausting.
It struck me last night, on a quiet date with my husband, that the computer was just a symptom of a problem that has been recurring for me for years. The computer isn't the problem. The TV time we have each week isn't the problem. The food I'm feeding my family isn't the problem.... those are all just symptoms of the real issue. Which of course, is my heart.
Turning the computer was, and is, a good thing. And limiting TV time is a good thing (a great thing!). And feeding my family healthy meals is a good thing. But if my attitude is wrong, that stuff doesn't matter at all. Turning my computer off isn't what made the difference in my kids' attitude last week, it was my attitude that made the difference. I wanted to be present and happy with the responsibilities that God had given me. I wanted to be satisfied at home, without "needing" something else.
Somehow during my emotional feelings this week, I lost the real reason I was trying to make changes. I thought turning the computer off (or getting my study done, or whatever) was enough, that doing the right things was enough to keep everyone happy at home. Maybe this is pathetically obvious to everyone else, but when you are in the middle of it, it was not obvious to me! Works alone are never enough.
I love Psalm 40... " You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings...I will take joy in doing your will, O God" (verses 6-8)
My goal this week is to wake up each morning, have quiet alone time to really pray and meditate on the reason I stay home with my children. To remember how blessed I am to be home with three loving children who LOVE me and want me to stay home with them. To try to make a list each day of the things that I am grateful for. I will keep you apprised of how I am doing :-)