More than Adrift

I can hardly believe that tomorrow is K's 5th Birthday. Next year is kindergarten (a very scary thought for me) and five years gone by seems like yesterday and yet a lifetime ago. Although I can remember the day that I found out that I was pregnant with clarity, and the day that I gave birth to her equally well, the middle 34 weeks are a little more fuzzy. In case you've done the math on your own, or happen to know me fairly well, you know that my wedding anniversary is always a year behind K's birthday. The pregnancy was a rather dark one in my life, and yet the changes in my life because of K, because of Down Syndrome, are immeasurable. I remember hearing other people tell me that they were glad their children had Down Syndrome, or that Down Syndrome had brought so many good things into their lives, and it always sounded like such hollow words. Now I can see it more clearly. I would never have wished a cognitive disability on K, if I could have chosen for her I would ...

Today, studying Matthew with my group of bible study friends, it struck me that my preoccupation with fairness is really just the same old problem resurfacing, dressed differently. My Pride, whether it surfaces as self pity (which is really what the cry for fairness is all about) or just plain pride....different sides of the same coin. My pride takes ownership of my own accomplishments, wants recognition, to echo my son's words, my pride says "I want to do it by myself"  so that the praise is for me alone. I exalt myself, thinking I've earned the good things that are coming my way.... My "it's not faiiiir" cry usually places ownership of the problem somewhere else.... I deserve better than this. I take exception to others' "good fortune" because didn't I work hard? Don't I deserve more than they have? Ah conviction. It's a weird feeling isn't it?  For those of you who maybe aren't Christian...I'd liken the feel...

What can I write about the fairness of life that you and I both don't already know? Nothing. But reading my kids' It's Not Fair book last night has inspired me to review it anyways...and I hope it can be a good reminder for me in the weeks to come. Having a child born with Down Syndrome, I'm no stranger to the "It's No Fair" whine, and if it weren't so exhausting, depressing, and discouraging, it would be amusing to me that even at 27 years of age, I still have the tendency to complain to God that things in my life aren't what I thought they'd be. . So, I thought I'd do a quick mental review of history: Eve: But it's Not Fair! I want the tree in the MIDDLE of the garden! God: (my own thoughts on what he was thinking)  Where did you learn that word from? I certainly didn't plant it there in your heart Israelites (as related in Numbers 11) : But this isn't fair! This is too hard! We want real food, not this manna! God: ...

As Gibbs and I bumble our way through another attempt to re-understand our various difficulties with communication, I find myself amazed, and frightened, at how much of our lives are a result of incidental learning. A marriage counselor told me last week that most of my communication techniques (and Gibbs') have been learned through our parents' method of communicating. Gestures, Tones, A Look, Body Language.... This is not to blame my husband's parents at all (or mine) His way isn't "bad"...my way isn't "bad"  It just so happens that they don't naturally blend. They have to be slowly changed by God, will, or force (haha kidding!) This has me thinking a lot about my children. I am sure you have heard the statistic about 90% of a child's education being incidental, but I never really thought about it before this. I did understand as far as crawling, or how to eat with a fork, or how to pick up a cup... all of which I didn't activel...

On my friend's blog, my favorite postings are the one where I get to know her boys a little better, and see the fun activities they are trying, and new foods they are making. So, every once in awhile, I'd like to just do posts like this for other moms who are looking for fun new ideas. We are learning new letters each day. On "i" we made igloos. I cut out pieces of white paper, that they had to glue on to their igloo (like ice cubes) and then cut out a door themselves. They also practiced writing their i's on their little ice cubes. You'd be surprised how many kids in preschool that have never held a pair of kids scissors, or used glue! It's so good for their fine motor skills! We also have played outside a LOT (thank goodness for good weather!!)  D had the great idea of going on a rock hunt (this was totally his idea...I was so proud of his creativity!)  He thought we could bring them home, wash them, then paint them like Easter Eggs. Grandma gave us ...

As a mom of three little ones, I don't have much time for thinking about my own dreams, or hopes, or goals...I have even less time to pursue any of them. And that's ok, I think it comes with the territory of having young children. I want to be the type of mom who is sacrificing. I think that's the kind of parent we all strive to be for our children. But yesterday I was encouraged by a good friend to start working on a project I have wanted to do for awhile, and I started thinking about this long time dream I have. I thought .... well, maybe God is trying to prepare me for fulfilling it, accomplishing this goal. I went to my husband, hoping to get some honest feedback (read: some encouragement that this dream wasn't ridiculous)  What I got was a little less than I hoped for, it was actually quite discouraging. To explain how it made me feel..well, I doubt I need to. I'm sure that you have had a moment where someone you love doesn't believe in your dreams. May...

My favorite game to play as a child was School. I LOVED forcing my sister to sit down and be my student. I, of course, always got to be the teacher. She never really loved it.... So every few months, I will sit my children down, and try to force school upon them once more. So far, they haven't loved it either.  I know what you're thinking, maybe I'm just not a good teacher.  But that's not the case (at least, I hope it's not...) It's possible that I perhaps, maybe, wasn't great at it when I was 8 years old..... But this week, D has finally gotten into learning. It excites me to see him wanting more, more, more to learn. He sits down, does workbooks, learns letters, writes out his name (I have dots that he has to connect...he is only 3)  He sounds out words in conversations. It's all just very exciting to me. I, in turn, find myself much more challenged (in a very good way) to come up with fun activities for my kids to do that feed their learning ...

On Sunday my pastor spoke a little about anxiety. Jesus tells us not to be anxious (more than once) and yet the same word for anxious is used when Jesus commands us to be 'concerned' about others. My pastor (wisely) pointed out that anxiety is inwardly focused, concern is the same root word...but outwardly focused.  He also spoke of material gain for yourself, vs storing up treasures in heaven. I just wonder how much of my anxiety is tied to this. Material gain.... enrichment classes for the kids, swimming lessons, new toys, new books, new clothes, boating (um, good for family time! obviously! an investment in memories!)  There's so much in my life that I think I need, but don't.  "D really does need new shoes" I say to myself. And justify spending 15 dollars for a new pair from gymboree.... they are quite stylish, and I got them on sale! But really, I could get him adequete shoes for 2 dollars a second hand store. For free from a friend I know.  If I added ...

Last week my husband asked me why I felt the need to push him in his career. Do I not trust him? Or not believe in him? Do I think he doesn't have any drive? (I'm not asking these questions, he ACTUALLY asked me this!)  I was shocked, I believe in him, trust him, and thinks he has (if anything) too much drive.  This prompted a great conversation between us (and between V and myself) so I thought I'd share my final thoughts on it all.. Occasionally, I find myself asking Gibbs about his future plans, goals, etc.  I ask him what's next? Another degree? A different job? What about saving for the kids' college? Retirement?  I guess I think that with all he has to think about in his day to day responsibilities, he doesn't have the time, or maybe even the inclination, to think about the future. I found out I was wrong, but actually more importantly, I think I figured out WHY I am always asking these questions that feel like "unsubtle pushing & nagging" ...