Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Losing Yourself

As a mom, there's a certain part of me that I've had to let go of. The selfish, ambitious, part that could look to the future and think "anything is possible".. that part of me now needs to be more cautious, looking out for the best interests of my children and husband instead of only myself.

I know there are women out there who justify a lot of choices with the "if I'm happier, my family will be happy" mentality.  Divorce, just as one example, is often justified by parents quoting the above.  I had to take a few child psychology classes and have done more research since then (feel free to read this study if you are curious to more factual info: http://www.jaacap.com/article/S0890-8567(09)64550-0/abstract

and have come to a rather educated decision that mostly it's just a lot of bunk.  Guess what? The kids don't care if you're happy, not too much anyways.  Now, that being said, there are exceptions obviously. I'm speaking only the majority and not the exceptions. 

But even knowing sacrifice is a neccessity of child rearing, I do miss having passionate goals for the future. I miss the part of me that would get excited debating politics, thinking that maybe one day I'd be someone who could change something...

I'm still not sure what God is asking me to do in regards to a career, or being at home, but I do know that staying at home as a full time mom isn't what I thought I'd be doing at 26. I'd much rather have someone else I trust staying at home with them, and have a fulfilling career myself.  I'm not the type of woman who loves doing laundry, cleaning floors, making sure Gibbs has a healthy lunch for work today. But I do it anyways. I do it because I love my children, I love my husband, and they need me here.

Now for the little more complicated part, that I'm wondering if you struggle with also; how much of myself do I get rid of?  How much am I willing to sacrifice?  ALL of my time? 50%?  Can I keep any part of the "before" me, any of my passions or dreams?  Can I raise my kids in a secure loving Godly home, and have a successful career?  I'm not sure.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus says "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross"    I know that I don't want to hear this all of the time.  And I certainly don't want it to hear it when I don't want to obey my husband!  I know that my husband, for right now, wants me at home. And so do my children.  I guess I know the answer for now, but hope and pray that at some point it changes.

And I think that's ok. As long as I'm continually submitting my will to (H)his (little h: Gibbs and big H:God's) I don't think it's a sin to keep praying that God has something more exciting planned for me in the future. That at some point my dreams align with His for my life. And hopefully I can show myself to be a faithful servant during these short trials.

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