Just Start
I have been staring at a blank page for hours today. Willing myself to just start. Just to write something.
12 years ago, I thought I was living in the middle of a plotline that seemed already written. I had an acceptance letter from the University of Michigan law school hanging on my apartment fridge, finishing up college at MSU. But then when K was born, I deferred acceptance to law school for a short 12 months. A year after that, Drew was born, my husband had received a great job offer in Madison, and my dreams felt as out of reach as another planet. We were writing an entirely new book.
There’s an old story about a pilot who came over the intercom and said, “Good news, ladies and gentlemen: We’ve got a very strong tailwind and are making excellent time. The bad news is that our navigation equipment has gone down, so we have no idea where we are.”
I do not regret the decision to give up law school. I will never have a second chance to be a part of my children's childhood, and I don't regret the decision to stay home and raise them, to homeschool them, to put myself on hold.
But here I am, years later, and now it feels a little bit like each day is a blank page, and I am finding that after years of being so busy, I have few words to fill in the story. I was so busy being busy that I never took time to stop and wonder who I was becoming, or where I was heading, or what I was even passionate about anymore.
The reality is that I am not the same woman who graduated college 12 years ago. I am not hungry with ambition like I once was. I feel no motivation to chase after money, or power, or glory. But, the thing that is the same, the thing that I really miss, is the passion to just start something. The passion to believe in a dream so fully, that I throw myself into it. The joy that comes with the fear of the failure being drowned out by the excitement of future possibilities.
There are SO many great things about getting older. The patience that grows. The wisdom that sinks in. The self control that is learned. But, I think one of the sad parts about getting older, especially when you have stayed home to raise your children is that you start to see yourself as "just a ___" (fill in the blank, just a mom, just a teacher, just an accountant) and the dreams that you used to get excited about feel frivolous when compared to the reality of the dishes in the sink, the bills on the counter, the unmown lawn, and the laundry on the floor.
I'm not sure what dreams you might have for yourself. A dream to write, or to learn to play music, or to create art, or to make a difference in someone's life. But dreaming is a part of being human. God uniquely equipped each of us with talents and desires meant to showcase His beauty to a world in desperate need for it. And it is never too late to start.
Grandma Moses started painting in her 70's. Martha Stewart didn't publish her first book until she was in her 40's (and her magazine years later!) Joy Behar was an English teacher (co-Host on the View) and started her show business career in her 40s!
The problem is NOT that we can't still pursue our dreams when we are older, and busier, it's that we make being busy the priority over figuring out the next step.
I really want to get back to the place of making the time to pursue things I'm passionate about. I'm still in the midst of figuring out what exactly that is, but I'd love some accountability in the process. And I know that I need to just start. Today. Now. Even while this draft is yet unfinished. Before the fear of starting and failing sinks in, and I just settle for doing another load of laundry.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
12 years ago, I thought I was living in the middle of a plotline that seemed already written. I had an acceptance letter from the University of Michigan law school hanging on my apartment fridge, finishing up college at MSU. But then when K was born, I deferred acceptance to law school for a short 12 months. A year after that, Drew was born, my husband had received a great job offer in Madison, and my dreams felt as out of reach as another planet. We were writing an entirely new book.
There’s an old story about a pilot who came over the intercom and said, “Good news, ladies and gentlemen: We’ve got a very strong tailwind and are making excellent time. The bad news is that our navigation equipment has gone down, so we have no idea where we are.”
I do not regret the decision to give up law school. I will never have a second chance to be a part of my children's childhood, and I don't regret the decision to stay home and raise them, to homeschool them, to put myself on hold.
But here I am, years later, and now it feels a little bit like each day is a blank page, and I am finding that after years of being so busy, I have few words to fill in the story. I was so busy being busy that I never took time to stop and wonder who I was becoming, or where I was heading, or what I was even passionate about anymore.
The reality is that I am not the same woman who graduated college 12 years ago. I am not hungry with ambition like I once was. I feel no motivation to chase after money, or power, or glory. But, the thing that is the same, the thing that I really miss, is the passion to just start something. The passion to believe in a dream so fully, that I throw myself into it. The joy that comes with the fear of the failure being drowned out by the excitement of future possibilities.
There are SO many great things about getting older. The patience that grows. The wisdom that sinks in. The self control that is learned. But, I think one of the sad parts about getting older, especially when you have stayed home to raise your children is that you start to see yourself as "just a ___" (fill in the blank, just a mom, just a teacher, just an accountant) and the dreams that you used to get excited about feel frivolous when compared to the reality of the dishes in the sink, the bills on the counter, the unmown lawn, and the laundry on the floor.
I'm not sure what dreams you might have for yourself. A dream to write, or to learn to play music, or to create art, or to make a difference in someone's life. But dreaming is a part of being human. God uniquely equipped each of us with talents and desires meant to showcase His beauty to a world in desperate need for it. And it is never too late to start.
Grandma Moses started painting in her 70's. Martha Stewart didn't publish her first book until she was in her 40's (and her magazine years later!) Joy Behar was an English teacher (co-Host on the View) and started her show business career in her 40s!
The problem is NOT that we can't still pursue our dreams when we are older, and busier, it's that we make being busy the priority over figuring out the next step.
I really want to get back to the place of making the time to pursue things I'm passionate about. I'm still in the midst of figuring out what exactly that is, but I'd love some accountability in the process. And I know that I need to just start. Today. Now. Even while this draft is yet unfinished. Before the fear of starting and failing sinks in, and I just settle for doing another load of laundry.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
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