What You Owe to Your In-Laws
I pour a LOT into my 3 kids. I am certainly not the perfect mom, but I do my very best, which some days is just below average.....but on all of the days, my love for them is unbelievable to me. What Reid and I both would and have sacrificed for their well being is incomparable to any other relationship in our lives. And we do all of that knowing that they will leave this home. Not that far into the future. They will choose someone else to share a life with, and we won't be the central part of that story anymore.
Being a mom defines most of my life right now. And one day, probably way too soon for my liking, I will be a mother in law. This single thought actually terrifies me.
Why is that?! Why are there so many horrifying in law stories?! Why is it SO hard to get along with our spouse's families? And how hard should we really try to? I hear a lot of stories about toxic dependence on parents. And stories of unhealthy detachment, a sad refusal to honor parents.
But we often separate our feelings about our parents, and especially our spouse's parents, from the way we feel raising our children, don't we? Sometimes, it's easier to give ourselves grace in our parenting (I do believe that I am doing the best I can!) than it is to give our parents & in laws grace.....
If you are a parent, I am almost certain that this is your story as well as mine. It is a rare parent that raises their kids thinking "Eh. I'm going to do a substandard job at this, and probably damage my kids" Of all of the hundreds of parents that I know, not one of them is purposefully negligent.
Yet we get married, and we don't give much grace to our spouse's parents. Our spouse's behavioral and emotional issues are generally blamed on their parents. We are hard on them when they interact with our spouse (too controlling, too gossipy, too condescending, too distant, too cold, too attached) and even harder on them when they interact with our children (no, you cannot give them cotton candy for breakfast. No really. Don't do that.)
But here's the thing. I love my husband. And at one point, he was a boy. He was a boy just like my boys... that I am doing my very best at fiercely loving and protecting and praying over. And at that point, when he was still a sweet blonde kid, Reid had a mom. Who was doing her best loving him, protecting him and praying over him.
And I owe her something. I'm not exactly sure what all I owe her. But at the very least, honoring the work her & my father in law did. Definitely grace. To forgive the ways that she falls short of perfection. To keep working at a healthy, loving relationship, because she is his mom.
The best indicator of what my relationship will be to my kids when they are adults, is to look at my relationship to my parents, and my relationship with Reid's parents. It's kind of a sobering, and motivating, thought. I am modeling for my kids what healthy parent/adult children relationships look like. This doesn't just mean the smiling "face" that I can put on at holiday dinners, but the quiet conversations around our kitchen table. The underhanded remarks we can all make.
Forgiveness & Grace. These are my prayers over my three kids. That they will have much for me when they are grown. That their future spouses will have it as well. It is my prayer for all of you mother in laws. That you can show forgiveness & grace to your daughter in laws when they've fallen short. It is my prayer for all of us who are adult children, who have been hurt by parents and in laws.
And it is my prayer for myself daily, as I continue to interact with those close to me, and close to my sweet family. That I continue to grow in it. And can be humble enough to admit when I've failed.
Being a mom defines most of my life right now. And one day, probably way too soon for my liking, I will be a mother in law. This single thought actually terrifies me.
Why is that?! Why are there so many horrifying in law stories?! Why is it SO hard to get along with our spouse's families? And how hard should we really try to? I hear a lot of stories about toxic dependence on parents. And stories of unhealthy detachment, a sad refusal to honor parents.
But we often separate our feelings about our parents, and especially our spouse's parents, from the way we feel raising our children, don't we? Sometimes, it's easier to give ourselves grace in our parenting (I do believe that I am doing the best I can!) than it is to give our parents & in laws grace.....
If you are a parent, I am almost certain that this is your story as well as mine. It is a rare parent that raises their kids thinking "Eh. I'm going to do a substandard job at this, and probably damage my kids" Of all of the hundreds of parents that I know, not one of them is purposefully negligent.
Yet we get married, and we don't give much grace to our spouse's parents. Our spouse's behavioral and emotional issues are generally blamed on their parents. We are hard on them when they interact with our spouse (too controlling, too gossipy, too condescending, too distant, too cold, too attached) and even harder on them when they interact with our children (no, you cannot give them cotton candy for breakfast. No really. Don't do that.)
But here's the thing. I love my husband. And at one point, he was a boy. He was a boy just like my boys... that I am doing my very best at fiercely loving and protecting and praying over. And at that point, when he was still a sweet blonde kid, Reid had a mom. Who was doing her best loving him, protecting him and praying over him.
And I owe her something. I'm not exactly sure what all I owe her. But at the very least, honoring the work her & my father in law did. Definitely grace. To forgive the ways that she falls short of perfection. To keep working at a healthy, loving relationship, because she is his mom.
The best indicator of what my relationship will be to my kids when they are adults, is to look at my relationship to my parents, and my relationship with Reid's parents. It's kind of a sobering, and motivating, thought. I am modeling for my kids what healthy parent/adult children relationships look like. This doesn't just mean the smiling "face" that I can put on at holiday dinners, but the quiet conversations around our kitchen table. The underhanded remarks we can all make.
Forgiveness & Grace. These are my prayers over my three kids. That they will have much for me when they are grown. That their future spouses will have it as well. It is my prayer for all of you mother in laws. That you can show forgiveness & grace to your daughter in laws when they've fallen short. It is my prayer for all of us who are adult children, who have been hurt by parents and in laws.
And it is my prayer for myself daily, as I continue to interact with those close to me, and close to my sweet family. That I continue to grow in it. And can be humble enough to admit when I've failed.
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