Bear with me as this is a highly personal topic, and I'm probably doing a bit of over-sharing this week so it will be chalk full of grammatical errors I'm sure. But... I'm doing it on purpose because I'm hoping to 1. work through it all in my head, and 2. share a really tough lesson with other women who maybe struggle with this same thing (or men!)
A day in our house usually looks something like this:
6am, everyone is awake
6-7 my husband gets ready for work & leaves.
7-530 chaos ensues.
530-6 hubbie gets home and kids make mad dash for daddy.
6-730: I am trying to get everything cleaned up after dinner, get baths done, bedtime routines, check, etc. Usually Gibbs will get at least one dirty look throughout the evening (for not changing a dirty diaper when he knew it was there, etc) Maybe a little snarky comment when he tells one of the kids he's too tired to read another book.... The kids go to sleep, and I gently remind him about the door he promised he'd fix last week....
Anyways, the point of that long winded day in the life of... is not so you feel sorry for him, or me. It's so that I can see how we got here more clearly. Life is so busy. We get so wrapped up in the daily needs, wants, demands, that we don't see always how our spouse is really bearing up under the weight of expectations.
After a really good discussion with Gibbs last night, I think I have finally gotten some clarity on what's going on and what to do from here.
If I were to ask Gibbs to do 5 things tomorrow, chances are that he would forget to do 3 of them. He'd do one of them sometime that day. And the fifth thing he'd do the following week. I have a typical response I go to at that point (it's not very attractive I've been told) He'd maybe remember to do 1-2 more of the things after I "gently reminded" (hah!) him enough, still forget at least one, and not feel very loving towards me. I would have likely ruined any chance at good conversation with him that week because he'd be so frustrated and exhausted with me that he would be out of emotional energy to spend on making me feel "loved"
And usually I am indignant about these things that he's forgotten, or put off. I can be quite self righteous when I get upset!
Proverbs 31 says... a Wife of Noble Character... who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
I have an idea of why she's so hard to find! It's HARD being a wife of noble character! Go ahead, read through Proverbs 31 and see the standard for yourself! I hate reading that passage.
Verse 28 says "her husband calls her blessed and praises her" I think they maybe left out the second half where it says "her husband calls her blessed and praises her... right after helping her complete her to do list for the day, and putting the kids to bed so she could take a break"
Ok, so here comes the conclusion/clarity part:
If I don't ask Gibbs at all for the five things I need done at the end of the evening, chances are that he'll notice at least one or two on his own, and do them without my needing to ask at all. Don't get me wrong, I really WANT him to do all five! But is the price I pay for demanding that two more things get done really worth paying?
Is it possible that maybe by keeping my mouth shut and giving him the "comfortable and restful" house that he desires will inspire him to love me more? To help me more? To have more energy for those late night conversations to meet my insatiable emotional needs ...
My new verse on my kitchen window: 1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outer adornment, but instead it should be that of your inner self, that of an unfading gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's Sight.