"Out there things can happen, and frequently do, to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen. Don't worry. Don't Stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening to."
There are days that I wake up, with words in my head, dreams in my heart.... feeling unexpectedly like "myself." Full of hope for the day, excitement for what could happen, what I could accomplish. These are the days that I'm reminded of who I used to be. In my youth, I thought the World was open to me. I could chase any dream that I wanted to pursue.
As I've been staying at home raising my three little loves, something has shifted though. These "dreamer" days come much less frequently. The hope of accomplishment slowly leaking out of a balloon that may or may not have been too full to begin with.
Sometimes it feels like every dream I have has to be sifted through so many filters that there's hardly anything left at the bottom. The marriage filter, the children filter, the time filter, the money filter.... I'm left with grounds that aren't very appealing by the time I've thought it through rationally. And then comes the anger, frustration.... and when I'm angry, it's easy to blame how I'm feeling on my husband, my kids, past mistakes I've made.... and Not turn to God for answers.
I see friends and family without children, even some with children, who have pursued their ambitions, and it can make my life feel so insignificant. So boring. So accomplish-less.
"Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best, Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.... Except when you don't, Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so, but sadly it's true. Bang-ups, and Hang-ups will happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on, You'll be left in a Lurch."
Certainly, I don't need anyone to extol the virtues of being a Mom. I get it. I chose to stay home to offset loneliness and a deficit I felt growing up without a parent who was consistently, physically, available. My dream for my children was to give them this perfect home, this wonderful start to life, that would equip them with all of the things they would need to be wonderful, Christian, smart, compassionate people as adults.
But I have to tell you, I didn't expect being a full time Mom to be so.... well. Boring. I know it sounds terrible. I will not be winning any mom of the year awards with this post. And I do invest a LOT of energy into making it more fun around here. Dance parties, science experiments, way-too-complicated-why-did-I-do-this-art projects, literacy and math games, trips to the library.... But still. My brain feels latent.
"You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done."
I've done a lot of God-searching on this. I feel like He has told me (and my husband has told me even more explicitly :-) ) That I should be home, at least for now. But boy, the attitude adjustment at hearing an answer that I don't want to hear is really tough.
Today, at church, the message was so clear to me. Like God was speaking directly to my rebellious, frustrated, resentful heart.
God still Loves me. The same as He loved me a year ago when I was more actively seeking His Will. He wants me to be filled. He created me with a passion for life for a reason. but His reason. Not mine.
And I do believe it will happen. Maybe just not right when I want it to happen. I have to be able to trust that God hasn't forgotten me, or my heart's desires. That when He chooses to give me the green light to pursue them, it will be for His glory, not Mine.
"So be sure when you step. Step with great care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act." (all quotes from above I owe to the brilliant Dr. Seuss and Oh, the Places You Will Go)
Reading through the bible... this is what my conclusion is to a rather difficult month for me.... His ways are better than Mine. His Will is Infinitely more Perfect than Mine. 1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."