More than Adrift

All of my life, I have had a questioning mind. I suppose that this comes from a combination of genetics (my father is King of disbelief... just give him any legitimate, verifiable statistic and he'll still find a way to make you feel dumb for believing it!) and environment (see above) I have always seen this as a strength of mine.  I am not easily swayed by others' opinions, I am a constant fact checker, I really want to learn "why" things are the way they are.  But I'm learning that there is a down side to this also.  In my faith life, it means I am constantly questioning God.  I am always asking why things are the way they are, why the commandments are laid out the way they are, why he chooses to answer one thing and chooses not to answer another. When I first became a Christian, I obsessively researched apparent discrepencies in the bible... I thought if I could prove that some of the bible was untrue, what would the point be of living according to It? Now ...

We've had a really great week!  I thought instead of just sharing my reflective dissatisfied, searching for contentment moments, I should also share my joyful, at peace moments. I generally use writing as a type of therapy tool to work through my own thoughts, as well as hoping to share my conclusions and the insights God has shown me that week with others who might be struggling with similar issues. But, I don't want people thinking that I don't LOVE being a full time mom, because I really do!  My kids are the best (though I'm a bit biased I admit) This week I'm grateful for: 1. Time on the boat, spent with family 2. Fresh yummy food from our garden, that I am able to pick whenever I want, eat whenever I want, guilt free! (Kohlrabi) 3. Three kids who love spending time together 4. The time to spend sitting outside on our deck, teaching D about the different types of clouds.  He even made me come inside, get out the Magic School Bus book and show him diff...

I've been blessed with great family growing up. Although I've rarely lived in close proximity to my cousins, I grew up looking forward to family gatherings. Playing with my cousins, staying the night with aunts and uncles, shopping with my grandma on weekends. It's a sense of belonging and love that I want my kids to grow up knowing. But getting married doesn't only mean blending your life to fit with another person's, it also means blending your life to fit with another family.  It can sometimes lead to arguments, exhaustion, and tears. It takes time and patience to assimilate to an entirely new and different way of doing things. I lovingly refer to the differences between my family and my husband's family as different "brands of crazy" It's not difficult to allow rifts to develop in close friendships, between siblings, between father and son. Growing up often brings along with it growing pains. Trying to establish your own household, trying t...

As a mom, there's a certain part of me that I've had to let go of. The selfish, ambitious, part that could look to the future and think "anything is possible".. that part of me now needs to be more cautious, looking out for the best interests of my children and husband instead of only myself. I know there are women out there who justify a lot of choices with the "if I'm happier, my family will be happy" mentality.  Divorce, just as one example, is often justified by parents quoting the above.  I had to take a few child psychology classes and have done more research since then (feel free to read this study if you are curious to more factual info: http://www.jaacap.com/article/S0890-8567(09)64550-0/abstract )  and have come to a rather educated decision that mostly it's just a lot of bunk.  Guess what? The kids don't care if you're happy, not too much anyways.  Now, that being said, there are exceptions obviously. I...

Sitting at dinner with my best friend last week, we reminisced about middle school and high school (which we attended together)  It often comes up in our communication that we should have enjoyed the moments more when we were in them.  Why couldn't we see how fleeting those moments were?  Instead I was too busy being stressed out to enjoy it.... I can often be found looking into the future, planning, worrying... or looking backwards into the past... regretting one thing or another, wishing I had enjoyed childhood more, wishing I had realized how blessed I was.  In middle school, our youthful angst and insecurities kept us from enjoying the friendships, lack of responsibility.  In high school, there were so many missed opportunities to travel with my school, team sports I wish I would have tried out for, school plays, student government. I was too busy with boyfriends, stressed out over friendship anxiety, wishing for college to hurry here...  In college...

I think struggling with prayer is a rite of passage in faith.  Hearing "no" from my dad was hard for me as a child, and I don't think it has gotten any easier when I hear no from my heavenly father.  What if we pray for something that is noble, important, that would demonstrate His love? What if we are praying for our child's life? Our mother's health? Or something simpler, like just ONE night of good sleep... And He answers with "My grace is sufficient for you" (2 corinthians 12:9) I've been in church many times when our worship team has sung "His Grace is Enough"  I've done enough bible studies where I've learned it, heard many sermons about it, but I've never really believed it. Until today, it was a head lesson, and not a heart lesson. Is it really enough? Some days it doesn't feel like enough. When C was born, and I stayed awake night after night, nursing, rocking, crying, praying. I had to wake up at 6 am with two...

Last week, as our veggies in the garden looked a little thirsty, I helped my farming guru husband out by watering them. I felt rather proud of myself, and told him of my kindness that evening.  "See, I know how to take care of a garden too!" Unfortunately, Gibbs gave me a small, informative, lecture on over-watering plants! He says that if we water plants every day, even when I think they look "thirsty"  I take away the opportunity for them to grow deeper roots. Me: So? Gibbs: So? Plants that have shallow roots are uprooted by storms. Plants that have shallow roots don't bear very much fruit. I mean, come on, this should be obvious right?  To be fair, I grew up in West Bloomfield. We don't do much gardening there. Later that day, in my bible study, I was reading through Romans 1. It says that through the creation we can know the Creator. I've read it before, and can think of various examples, but this was so concrete and visible to me this week!...