More than Adrift

Yesterday, Dane County issued a new order that prohibits gatherings in people’s homes- private property, of any size, regardless of precautions taken. Meanwhile, NFL teams, college football teams, the UW Madison, childcare, gyms, restaurants, businesses… all able to continue operating.Twenty miles from my house, the UW has contracted more positive Covid cases than any other single entity in the state- and yet they are still operational, hosting and playing football games on national television, and no one is shutting that down. There is no social distancing on the field, the players are not wearing masks, but Dane County residents would not be allowed to invite their parents, who are quarantining, over to their own private property without facing a $2,000 fine.  I KNOW this virus is real. My sister is a front line nurse, who is putting her family and own health at risk, working 12 hour shifts, facing uncertainties every day, just to do her job. She sees first hand the devastation t...

Staying home isn't really that hard. Having time to reconnect to people that matter, slow down, sleep in.... those things aren't bad. The unknown: That's hard. Losing all illusions of control: That's tough. So, today, I made a list. It's not great writing, it's not insightful, but it is a lesson that is worth learning for me. If you're reading this, I challenge you to make your own list. Have your kids make a list. With a lot of prayer combined with some self reflection, I think this historical time period could be one of those turning points for our culture. What Still Matters: Joy God's promises My kids' well being My kids' sense of security Healthy Communication My dad and my sister Forgiveness Grace Healthy Eating My marriage Sunshine Healthy Activity Learning the value of intrinsic motivation Working Hard Generosity Outlet for my kids to get their energy out- preferably not in my house! What I realized wasn't wo...

I think that most of us are beginning to realize that we have to find ways to adjust to a new normal for more than just the next week... and I know it's hard when it feels like so much has been taken from us. In a country that never hears the word "No"- to a people that cling to personal freedom like it's the air that we breathe, to a culture that has grown accustomed to instant access to every luxury and comfort that we can afford, delivered within 24 hours- the panic that we are feeling isn't just because of the virus. It's because of schools with indefinite closure notices, it's the companies that we count on, with their doors closed. It's because of paychecks that will be delayed, or worse. It's because when we order something on Amazon, it isn't delivered the next day. When we go to the store, things that we have become dependent on, are not on the shelves. Items that are manufactured in other parts of the world that are shut down w...

We walk into a crowded room, Kait’s still too small arm wrapped around Josh. She’s waited for weeks for the Badger Ball; an annual formal event that the Wisconsin Badger Athletics department hosts for Special Olympic athletes in Wisconsin. There is loud music, unabashed dancing, sugary food and real friends, all that Kait could ask for.                 Every year, I reflect on the changes in my life, in her life especially…. My first born, the child who came and made me a mama before I was ready, who knit Reid and I together as a family. It wasn’t even two hours after she was born, my brain and body still slow from the medicine and the labor, that I first heard Down syndrome, that the words mental retardation were used, the first time I saw the doctor look at me with pity, for her, for us. Within twenty four hours, before I knew how to nurse a child, I had books in my hand about raising a child with...

Yesterday, my 11 year old shared with me some new phrases going around school, peers insulting kids by saying they're a "try hard" or calling them sweaty when they do something well (sweaty from working so hard.) This year, being his first year in public school, Drew didn't realize that being good at math is something that other kids would mock. At home, we sometimes reward the kids when they hit certain education goals at school but mostly, we expect them to do their best at everything, and do well because we know they are capable of doing well. When I see Drew at basketball practice, he might not make every (*cough* any) layup, but we expect that when his coach says to run, he's running his hardest. I see this aversion to trying hard play out among his peers in every aspect of these kids' lives. There is one boy in Drew's grade that is just exceptionally talented in basketball. And his peers make fun of him for being good and refuse to play...

365 days ago, Caleb walked out of Louisville with a 1st place Showmanship ribbon in his hands and a smile the size of Texas. Since that day, he has had his heart set on winning showmanship at NAILE again. Before show season even started, he hand picked the most docile lamb in our pens and named her. He worked all summer with Sophia. With the thousands of inches of rain this summer, when most eight year old kids were in front of a screen, he was in the barn in front of a mirror with Sophia. When it was 98 degrees, and other kids were at the pool, he was outside with Sophia. Mid October, when it was freezing, he was bundled up with Sophia, practicing getting her legs set just right. If there is a kid that worked for that win this year, it's him. After all of those months of dedication, he was so excited when it was finally show time last weekend, no one more confident than him. When he came out of that ring, with a third place ribbon in his han...

The end of football season marks the beginning of wrestling & basketball season at our house. And the end of wrestling and basketball is quickly followed by the beginning of baseball season. Throw some intense competitive sheep shows throughout the summer and fall in there, and you have a pretty clear picture of how competitive our house can feel. There are things that I really love about having two boys who view themselves as athletes. They have a healthy outlet for their aggression towards each other. They learn physical control of their bodies. They learn what it looks like to lose and win well. They learn that a bad attitude towards their coaches means a loss of playing time. They learn how to be a part of a team, and that one person, regardless of talent, cannot make for a winning season. At least, that's what they should be learning by playing sports. These are the lessons that are worth the money, time, and energy spent on any endeavor. Lessons that transcend ...

A few months ago, I enrolled my two oldest kids in a recreation department track program. It was the first thing that Kait & Drew have been enrolled in together. Their interests and abilities are SO different that it's simply never come up before. They've never attended school, a sports practice, or even a friend's birthday party together. At the first practice, as I often have to do with my daughter, I walked her through what the program would look like along with what my expectations were, as Drew ran off to join his friends. She loves to run, and although she has Down syndrome, I was fairly confident that she would be able to do well in track without any assistance. Fifteen minutes later, they were learning to hand off the baton for relay races, and she was sitting down in the middle of the track refusing to hand over the baton. Angry because the kid in front of her kept running away when she tried to get close to him and hand the baton off......

  "Do not be anxious about anything" Philippians 4:6-7 This past week, Reid took a work trip to Europe. Before he left, I KNEW it was going to be awful. No one wants to be left on a farm, with three children and a flock of sheep to take care of right before lambing season starts. THE day after he left, not even 24 hours later, C and I were both laid up on the couch with a fever. And when I finally dragged myself out to the barn to do chores, I found that a hose had been left on and flooded the barn with at least an inch of water and muck. A ewe had lambed two weeks early, and her lamb was dead in the pen. And our favorite new kitten was dead. I cannot make this up. If you live on a farm, have livestock, have children, or God help you, ALL of these things, then you are well versed in Murphy's Law. Anything that can go wrong, will. On a farm and in parenting, there is no shortage of things that can wrong! Someone is mean to your baby on the playground. A chi...

I have been staring at a blank page for hours today. Willing myself to just start. Just to write something. 12 years ago, I thought I was living in the middle of a plotline that seemed already written. I had an acceptance letter from the University of Michigan law school hanging on my apartment fridge, finishing up college at MSU. But then when K was born, I deferred acceptance to law school for a short 12 months. A year after that, Drew was born, my husband had received a great job offer in Madison, and my dreams felt as out of reach as another planet. We were writing an entirely new book.   There’s an old story about a pilot who came over the intercom and said, “Good news, ladies and gentlemen: We’ve got a very strong tailwind and are making excellent time. The bad news is that our navigation equipment has gone down, so we have no idea where we are.” I do not regret the decision to give up law school. I will never have a second chance to be a pa...

I pour a LOT into my 3 kids. I am certainly not the perfect mom, but I do my very best, which some days is just below average.....but on all of the days, my love for them is unbelievable to me. What Reid and I both would and have sacrificed for their well being is incomparable to any other relationship in our lives. And we do all of that knowing that they will leave this home. Not that far into the future. They will choose someone else to share a life with, and we won't be the central part of that story anymore. Being a mom defines most of my life right now. And one day, probably way too soon for my liking, I will be a mother in law . This single thought actually terrifies me. Why is that?! Why are there so many horrifying in law stories?! Why is it SO hard to get along with our spouse's families? And how hard should we really try to? I hear a lot of stories about toxic dependence on parents. And stories of unhea...

5 years ago, my husband and I felt God leading us towards homeschooling with my oldest son. During this time, the reluctance turned into a passion. I LOVE being around my kids. I LOVE seeing their eyes light up when they learn something new. I really have felt like we are doing the best thing for the two boys (Why the heck else would I do this?!) And here the trouble begins brewing....whenever we become passionate about something, a bizarre thing bubbles up inside of us. The passion for anything has the capacity to become a disdain for  everything that seems to threaten it. . Once I really started taking notice, I saw it in all sorts of spheres that we are involved in. In Livestock- Most of us are doing things to the very best of our ability. We are spending a tremendous amount of money and time on these animals, but the passion ends up dividing us against people who do things differently.  Commercial breeders vs. Show ...

Is there anything that feels more leisurely than a tropical island vacation? Nothing can compare to it. The entire atmosphere of the island is carefully constructed with one purpose in mind. The ocean breeze seems to whisper "you worked so hard to get here, you earned this" as you sip on a perfectly made Mai Tai and listen to the strumming on a ukulele and the musician softly singing a Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. While we were those people on that vacation, we attended a time share presentation. Yes, yes, I know. Never attend those! Though we firmly said no multiple times, the presentation continued until, finally, the salesman pulls out his trump card. "But, you guys have three kids, and run a farm, and work, you truly deserve a vacation. You must believe that." Now it is no secret that I do not always love living on a farm. I grew up attending private school, vacationing, and spending my weekends on my dad's yacht. So far...

Recently, my 9 year old son earned first place in showmanship at our county fair. This is remarkable if you know my son because he does not come by this naturally. He has a hard time with competition, and to be honest, his very spirit seems to rebel against the idea of hard work. This win did not come easy for him. He has worked for two and a half years learning what showmanship is all about. He has lost, and I mean REALLY lost, many showmanship classes. He has been in tears after a show. He has yelled at us when we offer advice. He has attended workshops. He has watched youtube videos. He has spent his summer mornings out in the show barn while other kids his age are watching cartoons. And after he won, a fellow 4H leader made the comment to me that “It isn’t really fair when kids who show in all of these other sheep shows around the country come to these county fairs and win, when the other kids are just learning.” I’m sorry… what? I didn’t reply in that moment, not out ...

Saturday morning, at 6am, right before heading off to the state fair, Reid and I had the chance to catch a cup of coffee, alone! Did I mention that we had no kids with us while drinking our cup of coffee?? It was a miracle. And as anyone with little kids know, when they are around you have to watch every single word you say. A carelessly spoken word about someone gets repeated at an inopportune moment. A slip of the tongue, and soon your 6 year old is saying "That's total crap!" at anyone within 50 feet. So while we were alone for this cup of coffee, I really took off the filter. "Why don't we just quit showing sheep? This is total insanity. We can't win against people that have been raising sheep for 40 years! Think of how much money it will take to ever really be an established breeder! I think we should get out now." (Yes, this is an embarassing look into the mind of someone who has quit every hard thing that has ever come my way.) Unfo...

I love the farm. And I love my husband, but... Today, the weather in Wisconsin is cold. Icy rain cold with gusts of winds strong enough to knock my youngest off his feet and into the muddy freezing puddles. A few of our sheep are unlucky enough to be stuck outside without shelter temporarily, as we assumed Spring was on its way (no lambs, no pregnant ewes, don't report me to some animal welfare agency!) My lovely husband sort of halfheartedly mentioned on his way out the door this morning that he thought we should find a way to get them in the barn today, but didn't have time to worry about it before work. And off he went. And left me here with freezing cold sheep AND children I am in charge of tending. I put my battle gear on before his truck even left the driveway.  On my own, I went up to the barn to attempt a pen rearrangement. Knowing that I would obviously not excel at this task. I am no farm woman! This involves moving gates, water, feed, but worst of all jo...

This week, I was challenged by a sermon that asked if we have taken any steps of faith recently. Any steps that are uncomfortable and truly pushing you to “live by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5) All week, I’ve been worrying that maybe my steps have been guided my logic, my husband, and financial security instead of God’s Divine Will. My life feels so plain. So regular, that it’s hard to feel like I’m taking steps of faith! As Shakespeare said, nothing is more ordinary than the desire to be extraordinary. Most tasks feel mundane and unimportant in life, and I am constantly being pulled in two different directions. Wanting to play it safe and be comfortable and wanting to take some huge giant step of faith to prove that I’m genuine. When I mentioned this to my husband, his reaction was disbelief. “Why do you think everything has to be unreasonable in order to be a step of faith? Faith can be reasonable too. What do you think we are doing, every day?”  This literally has ...

There is a certain temptation that always seems to find itself in my path. You know what I mean, don't you? The one thing that is desirable to you... maybe it's the lure of money, jealousy, gossip, pride, whatever it is, it always seems to find you, doesn't it? I write a lot about sin, and think a lot about sin, because it's something I'm always grappling with. No amount of bible studies, sermons, accountability groups, or Sunday school classes can keep you from living in the real, beautiful, fallen, imperfect world. In my early walk with authentic Christianity, I thought if I learned the rules well enough, I could avoid everything I ought to avoid... and Just when I would start to think that I have everything mastered, temptation would trip me up all over again. Today, when temptation knocked on my door, however, it was.. dare I say... easy to close the door. It didn't feel like dying to myself, it didn't even feel painful, it felt freeing. "...

Thanksgiving is nearly here. And as I begin trying to rid myself of the thanklessness that often overshadows the blessings, I find myself growing in self control, and joy, and peace. This week in our Sunday school class, the teens walked through the story of Cain and Abel. A story which I have known for years, but settled into my heart this week. As Cain struggles with feelings of jealousy and anger, God comes to him. Speaks to him directly, though we don't have details, I can imagine it vividly. Cain is feeling rejected, jealous of God's favor towards his brother. I'd guess that there are deeper rooted issues, though I'm certainly adding my own back story here, but given Cain's enormous reaction, this probably isn't the first time Cain has felt slighted. But God doesn't walk away, leaving him to seethe in his frustration. He comes to Cain. While Cain is angry, God speaks to him gently, lovingly. "Why are you angry? Why has your countenance fallen...